all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
