I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
