I wanna passion pit in your ass
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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