you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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