I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This toilet bowl is my home.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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