guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
