I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
