I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
