Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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