I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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