Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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