i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
