Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
