My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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