He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
