You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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