I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
