You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
