Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
