thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
