hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
