im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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