I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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