I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
