I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
