got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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