I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
