good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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