Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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