I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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