had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
