Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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