i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
