I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
