I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
