i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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