omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
