My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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