and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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