why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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