I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
