my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
