Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
