im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
