Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
