dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
