Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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