Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
