im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Alive.
So much puke
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
