I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
