marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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